How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
