How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
