I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
