you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Randomize
