I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
