last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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