The maid of honor just puked.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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