dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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