Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
