I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
