Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I fill condoms, not promises.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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