Don't make out with my wife yet
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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