i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
