Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
