i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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