WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
