I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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