i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
