i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
