i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
