You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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