like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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