Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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