i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
