Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
