You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
