Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My balls are so social today.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My bed smells like the plague
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
