i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
