she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
