My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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