at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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