I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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