Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
