Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
These tits shall not be calmed
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
