Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
