I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
