eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
