....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
