I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
