I'm drive I can fine osifer
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
