Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize