The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
