How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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