I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
