The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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