Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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