then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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