The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
