I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
