have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I came so hard my ears popped.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
