I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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