I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He has the fingertips of a God
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