I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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