he puts the penis in happiness.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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