Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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