I will die if light touches me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
