Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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