When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
