I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
