I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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