i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
