my sisters under your porch take her home
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
