Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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