Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
