I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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