I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
