So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
