You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think I sprained my soul last night
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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