I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
